thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
last night I used snow as a chaser
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize