dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
