I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
