sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
He felt like a one man threesome
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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