I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize