I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
