First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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