Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Randomize