You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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