I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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