Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
