drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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