The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Randomize