I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize