I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
