Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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