3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Randomize
