Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
