So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
