wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
