be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I will pee on everything he values.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize