I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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