i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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