i permit you to call me
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
