Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
