Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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