So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
