It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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