Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
