I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
