my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
