Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
