The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize