Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
