seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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