Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
