Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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