There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
