i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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