theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
