I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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