i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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