I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Randomize
