so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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