I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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