Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize