I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
