Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
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