Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize