When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
