If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Randomize
