if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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