then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
