i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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