Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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