Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
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