my phone needs a breathalizer
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
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