everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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