Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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