I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I need water and some morals
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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