if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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