the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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