Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize