i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Randomize