I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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