my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
