The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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